Timely Discussions
by 0-SlytherinGurl-0
Summary: God doesn't like how Harry's life turned out, so before sending him off for a retry, she sits him down for a talk. Time travel, HPDM, Slash, soul bond, Manipulative!Dumbledore.


Harry awoke to an unfamiliar and completely empty room. Last he remembered, he did the 'Gryffindor' thing, and confronted his arch-nemesis alone in the forbidden forest. He could remember that clearly, but instead of the forest he was expecting, he lay in a room that was entirely white.

Wait, was he even in a room?

He looked around and found white as far as he could see.

He sat up to take a better look.

No walls. No roof. Hell, looking down, he wasn't entirely sure that there was a floor beneath him.

Getting to his feet, he used his voice for the first time. "Hello?" he said at a conversational tone.

He waited for a moment before trying again. "Hello? Is anyone there?"

"Is anyone really here?" an ethereal voice answered.

"What? What are talking about! I'm here!" Harry shouted.

"Are you, though?" the voice said from directly behind Harry. He spun around to look where the voice originated.

He got his answer; behind him was the most stunning woman he had ever seen. Words couldn't properly describe her beauty, so he decided not to try.

"Um…" Was all he could say.

"Are you really here? Are you in a room speaking to me? Are you lying dead in a forest, being the spell target and general plaything for a psychopath? Or, and just maybe this, maybe you are both?"

"…Dead?" he practically whispered.

"Yes, now you understand. Death. It happens to all mortals."

"I can't be dead! The Prophecy—"

"His hand or yours? It was his."

"But I… I never thought…"

"Not many of your kind can truly grasp the fleeting nature of their existence. Your time came, although I admit it _was_ far before I had planned."

"Before…? Who are you?"

"Some call me God, Some call me Satan. Either term fits. For your intents and purposes, I am the one that controls your fate."

"Controls… you're responsible?" Suddenly he felt a cool rage fall over him. "It's because of _you_ that Voldemort ran free! My parents! Sirius!"

"Settle down child," she said, calm and collected. She raised her hand and pointed a finger at the teen, suddenly he felt as calm as she. "I'm not omnipotent, outside forces can still influence things."

Her calming influence allowed him to think with a clear mind. "Outside influences?"

"Your headmaster is a bad man. He is more of a monster than your Voldemort could ever dream to be."

"_Is_? He died last year."

"He _appeared_ to die. Even with your limited knowledge of magic you could duplicate the feat. Does the name Barty Crouch Jr. ring any bells?"

"Polyjuice…"

"Yes Harry. It is easy to fake one's own death. In fact, your headmaster has done so many times over the centuries."

"_Centuries_?"

"Voldemort is not the villain here, he is the victim. _Dumbledore_ is the villain. Voldemort is just a pawn on his chessboard. Much like you are."

"I am not a _pawn_."

"I wholeheartedly agree, you are the queen."

"Um, as a guy, I would prefer the term king."

"Well, whatever you like to call yourself, it doesn't change the fact that everything in the future revolves around you. You, and your soul mate."

"Soul mate? Those actually exist?" Harry scratched the back of his head. "I thought those only existed in trashy romance novels and in the fantasies of their readers…?"

"I like those books!"

God _was_ a girl after all.

"Right, and because you're '_God'_ we have to have soul mates?"

She huffed, "Everyone's a critic…"

"I mean seriously, what could me having a soul mate possibly have to do with anything?"

"Without your soul mate, you are weakened! The power of love can make a wizard extremely powerful, and your _prick_ of a headmaster kept you from yours!"

"Right, well, even if I _do_ have a soul mate, that doesn't really mean anything _now_, does it? I'm _dead_ for Christ's sake!" She sent him a piercing glare. "Oops, I should probably lay off on the whole using of the lord's name in vain thing when I'm standing directly in front of the lord, huh?"

"That might be a good idea." She smirked. "As for the whole 'being dead' thing, well, I'm God. I do what I want. I can resurrect you."

"Didn't you _just_ say that you weren't omnipotent?"

"A mere _mortal_ such as yourself couldn't _possibly_ understand the complexities of my powers or—okay, fuck it, here's the deal kiddo. I'm God; you're going to do as I say, _alright_?"

Harry shrugged his shoulders.

"I'll take that as a yes. Okay, so I'm going to send you back in time and you're going to fix everything. You get to keep your memories and _this_ time you are going to be with your soul mate! I mean seriously, I _know_ Dumbledore did his best to keep the two of you apart, but c'mon! With all the subtle little nudges here and there from me you two should have totally gotten together!"

"Okay, you keep talking about this soul mate character without mentioning her name. Is it someone I know?"

"Oh you know the person."

"I know _lots_ of people, that doesn't really help me much. Okay, I know the person. Is it Hermione?"

"God no! Err, I mean… Gosh no!"

"Did you just use your own name in vain?"

"No! You heard nothing!"

"Right, anyways, so it's not Hermione. Is it Ginny?"

"Oh, for the love of _me_, not _that_ slut again! What could you have _possibly_ seen in her?"

Harry placed his hands in front of his chest in the universally known 'big boobs' gesture.

God sighed. "I _knew_ I shouldn't have given her a D-cup. You _do_ know that she was fucking half of Gryffindor tower from her fourth year on, right?"

"_That_, I did _not_ know. Bitch. _Half _of Gryffindor tower, and she couldn't toss a _single_ shag my way?"

"Well, in her defense, she _was _doing it so she'd be properly 'prepared' for you. She didn't want to be your 'practice girl'."

"Well now she doesn't even get to be that!" Harry put his hands up into the air. "Who's left? I don't know that many girls. Luna?"

"No."

"Lavender?"

"Double no."

"…Parvati?"

"Not even close."

"Her sister?"

"…No."

"I don't know, that Romilda Vane bird?"

"Okay, you're clearly not getting any closer; I'll just tell you."

"Good, I was running out of girls. Oh! Cho?"

"Just… stop. Your soul mate is – queue drum roll – Draco Malfoy!"

Harry blinked.

Harry blinked again.

"Draco Malfoy…? _Draco Malfoy_? What the _fuck_?"

"You totally would not have guessed, right?"

"How could… I'm not _gay_!"

"_Please_, you're totally gay."

"I am _not_!"

"You are totally gay. It's okay Harry, get out of the closet."

Harry started to pace back and forth "I'm not _in_ the closet! There is no closet! I am as straight as they come! Who even comes _up_ with these soul mate pairings…?" Harry suddenly turned around to face her. "_You_!"

"Me."

"You're God, you choose these things! What are you, some stupid _slash_ fan or something? I've read witch weekly, and I've read that stupid 'author spotlight' thing. I am _not _gay!"

"Harry…"

"And there will be no Mpreg!"

"Harry…"

"I will not bugger, nor be buggered, by Draco, _fucking_, Malfoy."

"Harry!"

"What!"

"First off, I am a slash fan, but that had _nothing_ to do with Draco being your soul mate. Nothing at all! You two are totally meant to be together…"

"God dammit…"

She ignored the slight this time. "Secondly, you will not be buggering Draco, that's absurd."

Harry let out a sigh. "Thank _God_."

"You're welcome. You will not be buggering Draco because Draco is _clearly_ a top. It will be _Draco_ buggering _you_!"

Harry felt himself vomit a little bit inside his mouth. He then went into a nearly catatonic state.

She carried on, not noticing his discomfort. "Yes, it will be a thrill to watch. So, what do you say? Go back in time and spend time with your soul mate and save the world and all that junk, or stay dead?"

Harry fell out of his near coma. "Wait, I have a choice?"

"Of course, I'm God. I'm all for that free choice stuff."

"Okay, so, my choices are going back in time and getting buggered by Draco for the rest of my life?" She nodded. "Or, staying dead and seeing my parents?"

"That's the idea. So, when exactly do you want to re-start your life from? Eleventh birthday? Voldemort's attack on Godrc's Ha—"

"I choose death."

"—Maybe even the day you were bo—Wait! Did you just choose _death_?"

"Yes."

"_Why?"_

"I would rather _die_ than get repeatedly butt-fucked by Draco Malfoy. Plus, I get to see the parents that I've never had a chance to meet – thanks for that by the way – and catch up with Sirius. Maybe the two of us can go barhopping in heaven and find me a _new_ soul mate."

"But… But… But… What about all the superhot gay sex?"

"I'll pass, thank you very much."

"What about the fate of your world?"

"You're God, you fix it! And stop trying to make teenage boys have sex! You know, it's kind of disheartening to know that even God is a fangirl…" He walked off muttering, "Stupid slash fans…"

God stood stunned as he walked away. "I was _sure_ that he'd pick the sodomy. Oh, Sodom, what a wonderful city…" she trailed off. "Hmmm… what about that Neville boy? He's a little chubby for sure, but with a few minor alterations, I'm sure it could be interesting to watch him get rammed by Draco…"

She walked away whistling with a skip in her step, readying herself for some hot male-on-male action.

At an unknown time in an alternate dimension…

* * *

"_Draco __Malfoy?_ Are you fucking _kidding_ me?" Neville screamed.

"'C'mon!"

* * *

AN: I loled while writing it, did you while reading it? No? Well, you're clearly a slash fan.

See girls? Not even _God_ has the power to choose the boy's sexuality, so stop trying! It's doesn't work!

Ah, another day, another trap.

PS. Check out the DLP C2. The link is in my profile, as are more of my fun little traps.


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